A changed city

Delhi has always been my city, my sanctuary, where I always belonged. It brought me a lot of joy and a lot of pain but it has never brought me a sense of detachment. Until now. No matter how convoluted my life felt and how many heartaches and mind warps this city gave me, I felt it was mine. This time around, the city felt strange and distant. Changed for the worse, trying to be something it has never been. Pretending to be something it is not.

My visit to Delhi this time was for an extended duration. And what I intended to be a warm embrace turned into a long cold stare. I felt I have not known this city. As if it didn’t caress me at my lowest, as if it didn’t cheer me on at my accomplishments, as if it didn’t watch me give everything I had to my goals and loves, as if I wasn’t its black sheep child. I don’t know where did the familiarity dissipate and how the connection got distorted. I have been away for a long time but every time I appeared, Delhi and I got along without fail. Even when I thought my emptiness would prevent me from doing so. Delhi always knew how to make me feel belonged.

Maybe my long stay here exposed the truths Delhi has been hiding. Or maybe I am just older and wiser to see through the cracks. I feel trapped in Delhi, it has an uncomfortable distress embedded in everything it is now. I have a lot of memories in this city, several of which are hurtful. But until now, Delhi had always presented hurt intertwined with beauty and warmth.

I remember Delhi as a bold, fiery, beautiful thing that lived in the fast lane but maintained its warmth and compassion. It was strong and relentless yet romantic and whimsical. It had inspiration at every corner and loving reminders of the wonders of joy and life. It provided perspective, presented stark highs and lows, offered reasons to be grateful, taught lessons to keep your soul strong and guarded. It made me want to work harder, set higher goals, never give up and never forget to relish in the moment no matter how challenging circumstances appeared. Maybe it gave me a sense of security and support because of its people and my interactions with them. Maybe because my childhood and teenage years were colored with privilege and some hope.

Delhi now feels painful. It feels strange and fake. It doesn’t inspire, nor does it support. A cold fog of weakly rooted ideas and actions with a mindless chatter surrounds it. The noise of Delhi that used to make sense to me has lost its meaning. The fast-lane lifestyle seems to be going nowhere because it lost its core inspiration. The boldness of the fire that kept the warmth of the city alive got divided into many small sparks that died with storms that it had to weather. The city feels hazy and painful, quite literally, as the air quality deteriorates and hurts my vision and breathing. Along with the health hazard it has become, the haziness of the city lies in its confused state of pretense and ignorance. It has lost its identity. It has, however, retained its unapologetic nature.

Distress wrapped in gloom defines this new unfortunate experience in my city. The vibe that I feel is bigger than a changed city. Time changes everything. Change is constant; sometimes beautiful, sometimes devastating, sometimes somewhere in between in a state of miserable limbo. As I dig deeper, unable to shake off this strange separation, I realize that one of several reasons why I am lamenting is because I saw my reflection in what Delhi was. I identified with that vibe that has now been lost.

It is possible that I am projecting my emptiness on the city that I held close to my heart but I would like to imagine that some part of this misery does reflect a simultaneous deterioration of the fiery core in the city as well as in myself. We both are lost souls now, pretending to be functionally alive, losing the sense of central identity and belonging. The choices we make at this juncture will shape the path forward. Choices are tough. They often lack perspective that would make them appear right or wrong but that can only be gained with time. Time is even tougher to comprehend than choices and their consequences. Our lives are defined by the choices we make. However, ironically, we have no choice in the biggest event of our lives – our birth. Everything surrounding that event is out of our control. I wonder if Delhi also tries to find reason or meaning behind its birth and roots. Does it look back in time and see how it has weathered despite its choices because fate triumphed over time and choices.

They say that misery loves company and maybe that is what still connects me to this city. Despite how we have fallen apart with no hope or promise to bind us, the misery and pain tie us together in this dance. And maybe this connection is the reason why it still has power to make me feel hurt with its cold stare while I miss its warm embrace.

This time around, ironically so, through all its haze and fog, it gave me clarity. Clarity to see it for what it is. Clarity to see people for who they are. Clarity to look back at events as they were and where they led. It gave me what I couldn’t achieve by myself despite wanting and trying hard. A sense of what to keep, what to lose and how to compartmentalize what I am unable to get rid of. Much like Delhi, the fire in my soul has broken into small dying sparks, some of which are relit and some of which are unattended. If I were to look at it from an optimistic outlook, Delhi gave me a direction to channel my energy via the path of painful elimination and detachment. But honestly, Delhi just pushed me into accepting the disintegration of my fiery core. It allowed me to not resist the pain and give up on people and possibilities. It allowed me to see the ugliness of time. It forced me into a state of unbelonging. If I can do all of this right, maybe I can restore all my powers. Delhi changed me by exposing how it has changed. I shall not give it credit for giving me something even through its haziness. What it gave me isn’t going to heal but it will sever and incinerate the soft ends. I may owe it to Delhi for finally teaching me to see the terrible where it exists while mourning its stagnated loss. This trip to Delhi carved my agony with blatant truths and maybe one day I will thank it for taking so much away from me in the name of teaching life lessons.