Well..it has been a long time since I actually updated thiS blog. I used to have two lines of writings- one which never moved out of the domain of my diaries and the other which was posted and updated online. If I trace back, the roots of this habit seem to be emerging from childhood days when I just wanted to verbalize my emotions. With time and circumstances changing for worse for me, the habit became a need. And when needs serve their primary purposes well, they become habits and in severe cases like mine, obsessions. I have always been an extremist. So, i have a tendency to overdo everything, good or bad. That's because one loses a sense of proportion when he starts doing something which in turn is meant to serve a bigger purpose of triggering something off which has no relation anyhow with the first "something". From being a teenage angry, dissatisfied and rebellious girl, i transcended to a grown - up adult but my needs and habits of scribbling never faltered. Reasons although, kept on changing. Most of the times this obsessive writing spree would live through the worst of emotional and psychological phases. I seldom write when I am happy..lol..But as wise men/women say, everything has a saturation point and so, the habit gradually died in the arms of misery and disgust. For years, i wrote how miserable and agonized my life was. As I read through some of my scribblings today, i realize that the narration of pain became repetitive. Even the words. That can definitely be due to the fact that I am not an English language major, hence limited vocabulary. But more important is the fact that I felt the same feelings for years and I still do, and because I haven't been able to cure myself I will feel the same pain for the next few decades I have on this wretched planet. Hence, the same narration. So, beyond a point even I got bored of writing and thenafter reading the same terrible descriptions of my life. I got tired of contemplating suicide; I got tired of slitting my wrists and palms. Pain became redundant.
Then came some changes in my life at professional and personal levels and I had different things to write about. But, this time around I had no time. And priorities changed. Sadly so. Words are the most loyal of companions when it comes to share your burdens with yourself. Humans are traitors. Words stick to you and return even if you abandon them. Humans abandon you even if you stick to them.
Well, so here I am thinking on the lines of writing regularly once again. Hopefully in a more mature format and hopefully not giving any chance to my blood to drip and be proud of itself. I have many half - written stories scattered here and there, some in my mind, some in my cupboard. I hope to do justice to those, if not to myself.
I have written about varied things, mostly about what I go through daily and how do I connect that to what I think world has become. One reason for not putting regular updates on my blog was also that I started feeling that my pain is becoming public advertisement. I didn't and still don't want people to sympathize with me or my writings. I always wanted to write about pain as an ABSOLUTE dark emotion , not as a device to collect wishes from people. So, no strings attached. It is not a big deal. Everyone goes through shit, some feel it and keep it, some kill it. Out of those who keep it, mot don't write but few psychotics do. And by now, I must have made it clear which category do I reside in. The deeper reasons to write diary entries are way different than writing a blog. My writings might sound eccentric and incoherent at times, but that doesn't bother me much. I don't want to spread some odd message of pain and misery. If it makes sense it's good, if it doesn't I 'm there to specify contexts and clarify backgrounds. Even if that is not appreciated, it's acceptable. Writing is one of my broken passions. So, any little time with it is a pleasure.
Hope to write more qualitatively and quantatively and more frequently. And since I am posting all this nonsense, anyone who has the endurance to read through the last word is encouraged to criticize/appreciate/comment/question.
Then came some changes in my life at professional and personal levels and I had different things to write about. But, this time around I had no time. And priorities changed. Sadly so. Words are the most loyal of companions when it comes to share your burdens with yourself. Humans are traitors. Words stick to you and return even if you abandon them. Humans abandon you even if you stick to them.
Well, so here I am thinking on the lines of writing regularly once again. Hopefully in a more mature format and hopefully not giving any chance to my blood to drip and be proud of itself. I have many half - written stories scattered here and there, some in my mind, some in my cupboard. I hope to do justice to those, if not to myself.
I have written about varied things, mostly about what I go through daily and how do I connect that to what I think world has become. One reason for not putting regular updates on my blog was also that I started feeling that my pain is becoming public advertisement. I didn't and still don't want people to sympathize with me or my writings. I always wanted to write about pain as an ABSOLUTE dark emotion , not as a device to collect wishes from people. So, no strings attached. It is not a big deal. Everyone goes through shit, some feel it and keep it, some kill it. Out of those who keep it, mot don't write but few psychotics do. And by now, I must have made it clear which category do I reside in. The deeper reasons to write diary entries are way different than writing a blog. My writings might sound eccentric and incoherent at times, but that doesn't bother me much. I don't want to spread some odd message of pain and misery. If it makes sense it's good, if it doesn't I 'm there to specify contexts and clarify backgrounds. Even if that is not appreciated, it's acceptable. Writing is one of my broken passions. So, any little time with it is a pleasure.
Hope to write more qualitatively and quantatively and more frequently. And since I am posting all this nonsense, anyone who has the endurance to read through the last word is encouraged to criticize/appreciate/comment/question.