All of Nothing

I have often wondered why weekends are so disturbing. I think it’s all the accumulated anxiety, stress, fear and pain which melt and blend together to become creeping and slithering restlessness. I still remember the nights when I laid in my bed listening to my music and felt my heart get heavier and my breathing get difficult. I also remember that a lot of those nights were preceded by evenings of writing pages and pages of ink and tears, describing what still remain inexplicable after many many years. I am so amazed at and almost jealous of this restless heavy heart feeling. It has managed to stay pretty damn stable. It sits on my soul as a rock. I have always tried to blame it on things, people, events but have known for a while now that it’s me and not anything else. Not to say that all those things are not somehow related to or haven’t contributed to the sea of worries that I choose to drown myself into. Every time I feel it can’t get worse, it kicks me in the rear and shows me

I don't think I need to preface this post by saying that I have been meaning to write and blah blah because by now I think the only thing which is certain about my blog is its inconsistency and uncertainty. I changed the template, look and info on my blog today for the first time since I joined and blogger tells me that I joined in 2006. I wonder why did I stick with the old theme for so long. I guess because change is scary, change is uncomfortable but change is constant. My life has changed so much since 2006, I think it was time for my blog to change. It's funny how reading your old posts can actually make you cringe. I am still proud of everything I wrote, I still own it but as I read through pages and pages of gloom, I realized how things have changed so many times in so many ways in last decade. Gloom has evolved, baby! And has been evolving. Gloom to chaos, chaos to anger, anger to fake determination, fake determination to real discomfort, real discomfort to real preten