All of Nothing

I sit here brimming with anxiety, a defeated anger, fear and immense sadness. My core feels vast as a barren land with no streaks of happiness, sharp and numb cyclical pain, tears ready but too exhausted to shed themselves. So many questions, never enough answers. The questions and answers merge to become a dull noise. In the forefront is a realization and a desire. A realization of the wrongs, a desire to not continue realizing or feeling or knowing.  Revisits to troubled pasts are always traumatizing. A troubled past brings pain of a different kind than a lost past. And I am tired of choosing, so they all come as they are, when they want. I have no defenses anymore. I let my guard down and allowed myself into my heart. I let the walls dissolve, the compartments crumble, the curtains burn. And there they all were, staring right at each other. All those dark waters of sorrow and pain. All those faces with mascaras running in black tear trails. I let go of the ways that would freeze the